An extract from my book, FREE TO SERVE: GOD’S LIBERATED WOMAN,” published in 2006 by Xulon Press
There is no endorsement or provision within the scriptures (bible) for a man to beat his wife into submission! So, why does it keep happening, and why does the Church remain silent or seem to endorse it?
Defining Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is aggression or violence that happens in the home when a grown-up attacks or threatens another adult in the family. The victims are often women, though it can also happen to men. Domestic violence is prevalent in every society and can sometimes result in the death of the victim.
In writing this book I have done my best to remain unbiased and state the truth as described in God’s word. I believe I have maintained integrity, by not slandering the men or portraying them as bad, evil or the perpetuators. However, the issue of domestic violence cannot be addressed without discussing issues that cast a shadow on the male gender. My intention is not to cause offence but to bring awareness of a prevailing problem and suggest possible ways of tackling it.
It is Not Right For Him To Do This To Me, Is It?
My friend Hannah (name changed for privacy) told me a sad story about a woman who came to her shop to have her photograph taken. The woman looked well dressed and had sunglasses on. However, when she took her sunglasses off, Hannah realised that she had been badly beaten up and had a terrible black eye. After hesitating for a few moments, the woman asked Hannah, “It is not right for him to do this to me, IS IT?” and then burst into tears.
As Hannah held and comforted her, the woman told her how her mother-in-law had sat and watched, as her son (the woman’s husband) beat her up. On another occasion, when her husband beat her up, the woman said she called her church, one of the biggest in London, and was told by the Pastor or counsellor that she must “submit to her husband and pray for him”. There was no one she could turn to, which was why she decided to have a picture taken of the bruises and black eye as evidence.
Interestingly, this happened in London, where domestic violence is a crime and there are laws in place against it. My heart goes out to women in countries where it is still legally acceptable for a husband to beat up his wife. Unfortunately, many cultures interpret submission to mean the domination of the woman by the man. Hence, in many cultures it is okay for a man to beat up his wife.
I had a friend (name withheld) whose husband used to beat her up with his belt, or anything he could lay hands on. I did not hear from this friend for several years, and then one day, she turned up, out of the blue, at our doorstep and announced that she had divorced her husband. Cobby asked her why. She told him that she pictured herself one day lying in a coffin, and that gave her strength to leave him. What a painful decision to make!
Why Does The Church Allow It?
Both the women in these two narratives, the woman who went to Hannah’s shop and my friend, are Christians. So why does the Church allow it? It is a terrible tragedy that the Church seems either indifferent to or incapable of handling the problem of domestic violence. There are many Christian women who are physically abused by their husbands (and I know a few), who have no one, except perhaps, a few close friends and family, to turn to for support. It is a real shame that the Church turns her back on them and cannot even offer them help and support.
It is no wonder that so many Christian women struggle with low self-esteem, depression, eating disorders and compulsive behaviours. It is no wonder that religious homes in the United States, for example, are ranked among the highest in incidents of domestic abuse, second only to the homes of alcoholics. It is a real shame that countless numbers of women who have contacted their pastors or churches to report their abuse are either told it is their fault or asked to ‘submit’ and pray.
You Must Be Making Him Angry!
A woman, who finally gathered courage to seek counsel from her pastor, because of the consistent slapping and hitting she received from her husband, was told, “He is your husband, you just can’t leave him. It is his house. You are his wife. He has the authority over you. You must be making him angry.” The pastor actually blamed this woman for her husband’s abuse! When she sought counselling on another occasion, the pastor told her not to worry and that even if she died, she would go to be with the Lord, so she wins either way. Eventually, this woman’s husband killed her!
What I do not understand, and someone may have to explain to me, is how a husband beating his wife brings glory to God. The word glory means essence, weight, excellence, splendour and honour. How can wife-beating reveal the husband’s or God’s splendour, honour and majesty? It is a perverted and sick way of thinking and I believe the pastor should have known better. How can the theology of many of our pastors be so twisted?
A friend of mine would like me to also state that not all pastors are like that. I totally agree with him, so please don’t get me wrong. I know that leaders like John Sanford and others go a long way to deal with these issues in a positive way. There are also pastors who do not tolerate domestic violence.
This Man Beats His Wife
I was invited to a church a few months ago to discuss quality time between husband and wife. As soon as I sat down, I began to look around the room, and my gaze fell of a decent-looking man. My immediate thought, however, was, “This man beats his wife.” I was shocked, and began to repent for what I considered was a negative and judgemental thought. However, when the floor was opened for questions and contributions, the man got up and proudly announced that one day, he beat his wife up and that taught her to submit and respect him. Again, I was shocked!
However, I thank God for the prompt response of the pastor and his wife. They emphasised that his actions were wrong and that under no circumstances is it acceptable to beat your spouse. They also went further to express their disapproval of the prideful and confident manner in which the man spoke about his abusive actions. I was really pleased by the way the whole situation was handled.
Is Divorce The Only Thing God Hates?
Yes, there are many more negative stories about domestic violence in the Church, and this should not be so. The scripture often quoted to justify the Church’s lack of positive action is that God hates divorce. Yes, it is true that God hates divorce, but that same scripture talks as much about God’s hatred of the abusing of wives as His hatred for divorce, yet that is often ignored. A more careful look at that particular scripture reveals that it is more than just divorce that the Lord hates.
Malachi 2:13-16
“And this you do with double guilt; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears [shed by your unoffending wives, divorced by you that you might take heathen wives], and with [your own] weeping and crying out because the Lord does not regard your offering any more or accept it with favour at your hand. Yet you ask, why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows]. And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union]. Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate].” (Amplified)
It is perfectly true that God hates divorce; yet, He hates the abuse of a woman just as much as He hates divorce. God hates it when men deal treacherously and violently with their wives, to the extent that He refuses to receive the men’s offerings and prayers. Why?
Firstly, because God loves women, created in His image, and precious in His sight. The second reason is that God’s purpose and plan for marriage is jeopardized when a man subjects his wife to treacherous behaviour. Thirdly, the wife and husband are one flesh and that unity and bond is broken because of the abuse and betrayal. I don’t believe that this scripture has had as great an impact on men as it should, and I pray to the Lord that it does. Wife beating and abuse, physically, mentally, psychologically and financially, is a sin and God hates it. Beating a wife up does not make her submit. It might make her passive, acquiescent and phlegmatic, kowtowing to her husband and yielding to his every whim, but that is not submission because the woman’s resources are under-utilised and her strengths are suppressed.
What Can We Do?
For too long, the Church has failed to address this issue of domestic violence. The Church needs to be actively involved in constructively resolving this problem. We can no longer sweep the dirt under the carpet. I suppose it is much easier to tell a woman to grin and bear it “in the Name of the Lord” than to get a man to face up to himself. The male ego would rather bond with an abusive husband and allow the abuse to continue than to stand up to him and make him admit that there is something crucially wrong. This is very, very wrong in God’s sight!
Why should we choose the easier option? Why should women continue to suffer? The Church’s theology regarding women needs scrutiny, re-thinking and re-vamping. Jesus Christ, our Lord, Saviour and Master set an example for us all in his interactions and dealings with the women around Him. A perfect example was the woman who was caught in adultery. Jesus dealt with that woman with much tenderness and mercy. No one can convince me that God’s bowels do not churn every time one of His sons (a husband) beats up one of His daughters (a wife)!!
So, what can we do? We need to become proactive instead of passive. I believe the Church can help in three areas:
- Prevention: The Church can begin working to prevent the abuse of women from happening in the first place by acknowledging the problem, by teaching the truth of God’s word accurately, not covering up for the men and working with victims and offenders to prevent it recurring. Marriage seminars should also deal with the issue in a radical and positive manner. Seminars for singles should also address the issue.
- Protection: The Church can offer refuge and protection for victims and their families. It would also be a good thing to familiarise ourselves with the Word of God and also, the laws of the land (where applicable).
- Support: The Church can offer support for victims to rebuild their lives, and also support for the offending husbands to identify the root causes of their anger and violence toward their wives, and then begin the process of restoration, healing and reconciliation between the couples. Counselling is also an effective tool, which could be implemented.
- Prayer: The Church can begin to pray earnestly for change. The surest and quickest way we can bring about change is to pray, pray and pray.
Unfortunately, there are many societies and cultures that do not have any social networks or legal frameworks to address and support victims of domestic violence. It is also a fact that some cultures and religions actually endorse the abuse of women. It appears that these cultural and societal influences have not only permeated the Church, they are actually the lenses through which we regard and deal with the issue of domestic violence.
SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE WITHIN THE CHURCH, VERY SOON AND QUICKLY!!!
Women In Tune International 